reflections of motherhood

Nothing quite prepares you for when your kids grow up and move away from home.

The days seemed so long sometimes, but years flew by. I remember when they were 2&3 and watching them play outside in the garden while digging for worms. These two had a bond so deep but fought like wild animals.

I was 18 when I had Reier and 20 when I had Thaine. We basically grew up together. If I’m completely honest, I wasn’t the most present mom. I was deeply grieving the loss of their dad, turned anxiety, mental health, and trying to find my footing as a mom and a woman. I spent a majority of their lives stoned, a way to not feeling the true magnitude of emotions that needed to be felt.

I deeply wish I could be the mom I am now, for them as little boys. To not wish the years away. To be able to hold their little faces in my hands and kiss their plump little cheeks. I wish I could build them up and tell them every single day how cherished and loved they are.

So many things I would do differently but I’m so glad that I didn’t stay stuck and chose growth, healing and thriving.

I may not be where I would like to be in life, but I’m so grateful to be given the opportunity to continue down this path. As their mom - friend - someone they can trust and confide in. I’m their safe space. Someone they can always show up and tell me things - even if I might not agree - I’ve always shown them humanness and unconditional love. Creating a space for them to just be.

I’m so glad they chose me to be their mom. And even though they are big boys now, to see them laugh and joke around together takes me back to a time where it was just three of us and life was a little more simple. I can smell the apple blossoms in the air, the dusty roads as we would drive and blast music and their giggles while we drove with the windows down to feel the breeze.

I’m so lucky this is my life